The Journey

God, carried you, as a man carries his own child, all along your journey...

Deuteronomy 1:31

And He still does.   We don't see where life is taking us. We have no idea what things God will send or what obstacles this world will put in the path. We can't see the bends in the road or what is around the corner.  We don't know the map of our own particular journey. We do know the ultimate destination whether it be near or far and we know one other thing:  God carries us.

Sleep

You withheld sleep from my eyes, I was troubled, I could not speak. I thought of days long ago.

Psalm 77

Bad night. It is tempting to claim I used it to ponder, as the psalmist suggests, the works for the Lord.   Alas no! 

I pondered this: Why is my tummy acting up now?  I was fine all day yesterday but at bedtime pain and, well, noise.  I was tempted to ask "Why now God?"

Greg slept, I wandered the house.  Night office done, I sought refuge in OTC meds, tea, a sip of Drambui--to no avail--not additional prayer.  An hour or more with a favorite author later I slipped into bed with a more minor tummy ache and finally, blessedly, sleep.

This morning praise and joy in the office, fog and sleepiness everywhere else.  Now I ponder, "Lord how can I work if I don't sleep?"  I've learned to ask for help for worse so I ask, "Help me get a grip on my digestive challenges and get a good night's sleep."

Actually, one night in seven isn't bad. This used to be nightly.  So praise Him for what you get, thank him for the things that humble, and do the best you can with what you get.

Work

First of all, every time you begin a good work, you must pray to Him most earnestly to bring it to perfection.  

Rule of Saint Benedict  

The psalmist says Unless the Lord build the house, they who build it labor in vain. (Psalm 127).  The house, the family that lives in it, the neighborhood, the city--without God's work the result is vanity.

Whether I'm picking up a paintbrush, sweeping the kitchen, or trying to pen a great novel, none of it has meaning if it isn't God's work.   Benedict put his finger on the problem.  The trick is to remember to pray first.   Starting the day with a general scattergun prayer, "Bless the works of our hands," is good but specific prayer for specific work is better.   

At the moment we're attempting to make a new house into a home.  Even more important, we want to create a place of comfort and joy for our grandson down the street.  If ever there was work that required God's hand, it is this.

I Believe

Between the time I started my meditations on the creed and the time I finished, the Church introduced a new translation of the Roman Missal.  Instead of "We believe..." the creed as it is proclaimed at Mass now says "I believe...."

The amount of consternation that caused was stunning.

The super conservatives seem to think that the 1970s translation was part of a plot on the part of "progressives" to weaken the church. Ha! Take that progressives. We've gone back to the real creed.

The super liberal folks seem to think that the new translation was part of a plot on the part of traditionalists to drag us back to the Council of Trent and overturn Vatican II. (Either that or a plot on the part of the hierarchy to distract us from the pedophile scandals.) Oh woe!

It isn't clear to me whether the Greek text as proclaimed at the Councils of Nicaea and Constantinople used the plural or singular form.  The Roman Missal, however, the liturgical version, has always used Credo or "I believe..." as the form for each of us standing up at Mass and proclaiming our own belief.

The conflict is a shame and a pity. What matters is that I believe it.  

Life

We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.  Amen.

Nicene Constantinople Creed

Aging is an interesting process.  Most of it involves letting go, letting go until things boil down to their essence.   What things do I keep? What objects to I actually need? What matters enough to spend my time on it?   When you peel away layers you come to "What is life" or "Is there life after death?" 

The great good news of Christianity is, yes, there is life after death. Jesus came and took on humanity which is to say He accepted death and in doing so destroyed it.   Paul called him the "first fruits of those who are asleep," (1Corinthians 15:20).  He's the first fruits, we're the harvest.

My grandson is Jewish. At his bris (aka ritual circumcision) the mohel asked about the Covenant.  "What do we promise?" We promise to obey His law. I anticipated that answer, but the next one was, "What does He promise in return?"  No easy response occurred to me. His other grandmother had no hesitation.  "Life."  God promises life.

Perhaps the whole long history of Judeao-Christianity, indeed, perhaps all religion, boils down to the search for life.  We find it in God, only in Him.

Baptism

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.  

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

What's with acknowledge?  The rest of the creed has been believe, believe, believe. Now we have acknowledge.  The new Roman missal actually translates it as confess.   Google translate uses confess.

The Oxford English Dictionary presents some definitions for both.   It translates confess as 
-To acknowledge, own, or admit.
-To acknowledge, concede, grant or admit for oneself an assertion [as true]

To confess is to acknowledge.   The definitions for acknowledge shed a little more light.  To acknowledge is:

-To recognize something to be what it is specified to be.

-To accept the authority, validity, or legitimacy of [something].

-To accept the truth of something.

It also can be defined as a legal term with which someone signs on to accept the truth of a proposition.

All those apply.   It seems that acknowledge (or confess) implies use of the mind. Belief does not require that we understand things.  Acknowledge implies active acceptance that there is one and only one baptism.  In our time it may be practiced by many denominations, but we acknowledge it as the same baptism.  Baptism is one of the sacraments that does not require the action of an ordained priest and could therefore be handed forward from the apostles in an unbroken line from Christian to Christian.  This is in sharp contrast to priestly ordination which we believe could only be handed on from ordained bishop to priest in an unbroken line to the ordination of the apostles.

Baptism forgives sins. Of course it does.  In the early church baptism, an adult-only   sacrament, was frequently postponed, at least in part, for that reason. Constantine is only one prominent example of someone who put it off until his deathbed.  While the forgiveness of sin (and the fact that Jesus vested the right to forgive with the Church) existed from earliest times, the primitive church did not practice the Sacrament of Reconciliation as we know it. Forgiveness of sins in manner distinct from Baptism boiled up as an issue in years after persecutions in response to the question, "Can those previously baptized persons who denied the faith to save their skins be forgiven?" Those who answered no were found ultimately to be heretics.   Eventually the problem of sins after Baptism had to be resolved, but there was never any doubt that in Baptism itself there is a clean slate, the forgiveness of sin in all its forms.

Church

We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.

Nicene-Constantinople Creed.

This one is a mouthful. We believe in the Church, but what do we believe about it?  

 It is the People of God first and foremost--the people! 

It is also the Body of Christ.  That is enough to keep us up late pondering.  We, the Church are the Body of Christ, hands and feet, ears and voice, heart and mind.

It is the Temple of the Holy Spirit.   The place we find the Holy Spirit. The place we encounter God. Except, the Church isn't a place.  Up until 70AD even Christians went up to the Second Temple in Jerusalem, where the God's people had been taught they would encounter Him.  Christians were gradually understanding the People of God somewhat differently and after Titus razed the whole thing, the concept of an invisible temple, with the Holy Spirit as its life and the force behind all its saving actions began to flower.

But what about one holy catholic and apostolic?  We believe the Church has all four attributes.

The Church is one because of her source / her founder. (Catechism of the Catholic Church 813).  Jesus prayed to his father: "...that they [meaning the Church] may be one just as We are."     John 17:11   Luckily unity doesn't preclude some diversity because we have plenty of that.

The Church is holy because because of (and to the extent of) her unity with Christ.  That doesn't in any way overlook the chronic sinfulness of individuals and the earthy institutions they create in His name.   The Church as Christ created it, the mystical Body of Christ is holy.  Some of its members, not so much.  We'd be fools to try to pretend otherwise.

The Church is catholic because it is universal. That's what the word means, universal. Where there is Christ, there is the Church (Catechism 830).  His love is universal.  The Church isn't European. It certainly isn't American. He was Jewish, but the Church isn't Jewish.  It is universal and we do well to stay aware that we don't confuse cultural biases with the fundamentals of the Church.

The Church is apostolic because it was founded on the apostles--not by them, on them. The eyewitness generation was the foundation. With the direction of the Holy Spirit she holds fast the the faith handed down by the foundation. (Catechism 857).

The Church we believe in, in short, transcends the Church we see, the one we read about in the news, the one whose history we both love and question.  It is more than the pastor's sermons, the church lady's whispers after mass, the demands of charity, parish gossip, diocesan financial problems, bishops' letters, papal encyclicals, architecture both bad (1970's churchs--shudder) and stunning, magnificent art or tacky images, great schools and small ones, mission appeals, Knights of Columbus, and retreat houses.  It is certainly more than the ugly headlines we've endured in recent years. It is none of those things and yet it is all of them, bound up in Christ's redemptive work.

Postscript
Paul, as usual, nails it. Ephesians 2:19-22:

[we are] members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone. Through him the whole structure is held together and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord; in him you also are being built together into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.202122

Prophets

He has spoken through the prophets.

The Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Hear the word of the Lord...listen to the instruction of our God.

Isaiah 1:10

Pop "the word of the Lord" into any of the Bible search engines now ubiquitous on the Internet and you will get pages and pages of references from Genesis 15:, "the word of the Lord came to Abram, to 1Peter 1:25, "the word of the Lord remains forever and this is the word that has been proclaimed to you...." Those two references alone represent a two thousand year stretch.

The prophets were not fortune tellers. They didn't divine the future or act as seers.  The prophets heard God speak and were compelled to proclaim the word of God to His people.  The content of the message was always the will of God, what He expected people to do, how He expected them to live their lives.  It still is.  John L. McKenzie SJ calls that word The Two Edged Sword.

The remarkable thing is God speaks to ordinary people.  Gideon plowing his field, Amos tending his sheep, Peter fishing--even Moses tending sheep--heard God speak directly to them.  His voice wasn't always that of the great and powerful. Isaiah heard it in the night and Elijah heard a still small voice.  I suspect we all could hear it if we would but listen.The 

Creed is clear on one thing, when God speaks it is the Holy Spirit that does the speaking.

Spirit

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son.  With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified.  

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Spirit as concept: easy. Spirit as person: hard.

An earlier post described the Holy Spirit as the loving part of the three persons that are the one God.  We have Lover, Beloved and the Love that passes between them, the act of loving, that is the Holy Spirit.  Loving personified. 

It is the Holy Spirit that permeates our entire spiritual life.  The Spirit leads us to prayer and teaches us how.  The gifts of the spirit enable us to live out the life that comes to us in Christ.  Wisdom, understanding, counsel (right judgement), fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord--each one is required before we can begin to grow in virtue and exercise the life of Christ in us.  Each one is given at baptism.  Our problem is remembering they are there and exercise them. 

How do we know if we are living that life, using those gifts?  The gifts enable us to bear fruit. When the fruits of the spirit shine out in our lives, we know that His gifts are being used to good purpose.  Galatians 5:22-23 tells us "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..."
So we put our entire being in the hands of Loving Personified and hope to bear fruit for the well-being of the kingdom and the glory of God.

One side note. Some people think the Holy Spirit is the perfect expression of the sacred feminine.  One hopes She agrees.

Kingdom

...and his kingdom will have no end.

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

This phrase seems to imply that the kingdom is already here.  The Kingdom of God is at hand.  "At hand" could mean coming any moment but it could also mean we can reach out and touch it. It is right under our noses.

Sometimes when I used to walk in downtown Columbus near the state capital I would think about working in the City of Man but living in the City of God.  The two coexist in space but, while the City of Man exists only in time, and that fleeting,  the City of God exists out of time and for all time.

The kingdom will have no end.

Judge

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, 

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Whoa. Trailing clouds of glory. Christians have been waiting for that one for over 2000 years, and yet the first time He came, He was poor, humble and hidden.

It should be no small relief to any of us that when the time comes for our life to be weighed, the one sitting there will be the God of mercy and his son who loved us so much he became one of us.

Ascended

He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. 

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

This isn't a dogma I struggle with; I just accept it. The post-easter stories are fascinating.  They don't follow any linear pattern so we can create a timeline of His activities but a few things are very consistent among them.

Key among them is that He came to them in bodily form not ghostly form. The Thomas story is the obvious case of that. Thomas had to touch and feel. (Our weekend assistant pastor says "Good for Him. We shouldn't always believe hearsay!") Luke repeats a similar story in which Jesus invites them to touch him. At Emmaus the recongized him when he ate with them. Luke and John have various stories of him eating with them.

He came, He visited, He ate with them, He continued to teach and then he was lifted up.

The Feast of the Ascension 2009

The meaning of Christ's Ascension expresses our belief that in Christ the humanity that we all share has entered into the inner life of God in a new and hitherton unheard of way. It means that man has found an everlasting place in God...Jesus Himself is what we call heaven.

Benedict xvi

Let us live in joyful expectation of His return in glory! 

to which I add--the time in which we join Him

Rose

On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures; 

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

This is the thing, this is the reality the first generation, the eye-witness generation was at great pains to tell us.   This is the miraculous thing.

Resurrection of the dead was not an unknown concept in the first century. We can see from the New Testament that it was a hot debate among Jews with the Pharisees (like Paul!) firmly holding that the dead would rise and the Sadducee's arguing against.

Is it any wonder Paul was ready to believe in Resurrection when he heard the voice of Jesus on his way to Damascus?  He would later write "he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead." Colossions 1:18

Luke claimed to have heard it from others but her wrote about events "just as those who were eyewitnesses from the beginning and ministers of the word have handed them down to us..." ( Luke 1:2: )

Was the author of 2Peter the apostle Peter? Scholars suggest not. Whoever wrote it wrote as if he too were an eyewitness, "We did not follow cleverly devised tales when we made known to you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we were eyewitnesses of His majesty." (2Peter 1:16)

And again Paul wrote "After that, he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at once, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep." (1Corinthians 15:6)

We have no such access to eyewitnesses. "We walk by faith and not by sight." (2Corinthians 5:7) That's as it should be; the saints walk with us. Is it not logical that he would go back to His Father?

Died

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried.  

Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Why did Jesus have to die? Because he was a human being. To be born is to die; we start dying the day we're born. Every woman who gives birth gives birth to a child who will come to natural death eventually--or, God forbid, premature death.  The big thing was the Incarnation. Everything else flows from that.

Did God want His son to die? You hear that question, but I think it is absurd.  It sounds as if they sat around in heavan planning it out, "and then--crucifixion."  No, I don't think so. The decision was to be fully human. The will of the Father was "don't interfere." Don't interfere with their free will; don't interfere with nature; live it out to the very end. He took on our life and He took on our death.

Why crucifixion? Was that of His own choosing? Look to mankind for that. Men invented that and myriad other forms for torture, for control, for manipulation all designed to seek power over one another. He came, poor and humble, and subjected Himself to human nature. Was it inevitable? Tempting thought. Evil inevitably attacks good I think.

Man

For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven; by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.   

                                                                 Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Of all the great tenets of Christianity, Incarnation is the most logical. God, being entirely Love by nature wants--needs--to draw men to Himself. We could not bridge the huge gulf dividing us from God, the gulf the Church calls Original Sin, or simply sin. Only God could bridge that gap.  We could not go to Him, He had to come to us.

and so, the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us...

                                                                       John 1:14

One in Being

...the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father.  Through him all things were made.                                                                                                 Nicene-Constantinople Creed

 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came to be through him, and without him nothing came to be. John 1:1-3

The Trinity falls into the area of "things too wonderful for me" to understand. What I do get is that God is Love and there is a logic to the assumption that in Love there must be a lover, a beloved and the love that passes between them.  The Son, the Word is the beloved part of the one Love. 

Obviously, as John 1 shows,  Christians were clear on the "One in Being" part by the beginning of the second century AD. 

Lord

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ... Nicene-Constantinople Creed.

Lord--Κύριον or Kyrie in Greek--Dóminum in Latin--we now use "Lord" almost exclusively to mean "God."  

Social relationships shifted greatly between the first century and, for example, the twelfth, Our own concepts for kings and lords come entirely from the middle ages and from European aristocracy stretching into the 19th century.  American romance novels are full of "yes my Lord" and "His Lordship."  The idea seems oddly out of place in 21st century America.

But what did Kyrie mean when the Old Testament was translated in 100BC? I gather that the earlier Hebrew was Adonai for Lord and synonymous with "God."  The Septuagent translaters used Kyrie. Paul would have read "Kyrie" as God. He uses Kyrie/Dominus for Jesus in the first century and there it is in the fourth century Nicene language: Kyrie/Dominus.

So if Kyrie is synonymous with God, what is the connotation? What does it say about our relationship with God?

My search of Latin dictionaries brings back "master" as the meaning of Dominus. It comes from the same root as the English "dominate," that is the Latin Dominari, to rule.  I can't help wondering if it isn't also related to "Domus" or household--implying that to rule is to be head of the family or household. I wasn't able to document that.  

I found "master" and "ruler" as alternative translations of Adonai.  Regardless of the era or the social context, "Lord" always implies the man in charge, the one to whom some sort of obedience is owed.   What do we have in our own era that conveys such meaning? "Boss" doesn't seem to cover it. 

Household implies family--authority, yes, but loving authority.

I believe in one Master, Jesus Christ.  That fits. That is what I believe. I am of the household of Jesus and he is the Master of the household.

Maker

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. Nicene-Constantinople Creed

Here's the easy one, the beginning of what I believe: Wake up. Look around. Wow--who made this? 

For this part the Baltimore Catechism hit it just right. Who is God? God is the supreme being who made all things. Who made me? God made me.   

Then it gets complicated. Why did God make me? He made me to know, love, and serve Him in this world and to be happy with Him in the next. 

I was twelve when I asked the question, "Is there a God? Because if there isn't this religion thing doesn't make much sense." The experience that followed the question is hard to describe.  What it left me with was the sure knowledge that God is and that He is the hub around which my existence revolves. He is the centering reality that gives form to my life.  Everything else is secondary.

Winter

And perhaps I shall stay or even spend the winter with you, so that you may send me on my way wherever I may go. 1 Corinthians 16:6

Sometimes you have to begin again. Late winter, just before Lent is one of those times.

My journey never stopped but this blog dropped by the wayside along the way. This seems like a good time to pick it up again. This time I hope to reflect on two topics: 1) what I believe and 2) marriage. What do I believe? I'm a Nicene Christian--and  Roman Catholic. 

I still struggle with discerning God's will for my future, but less than before. It isn't really necessary to see the entire road map, only to continue the journey, "wherever I may go" and to trust that he is leading one step at a time. His word is a lamp to my path.

Plans

In his mind a man plans his course, but the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16: 9

The old joke: How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. If you do a full-text search of the Bible on "plans" you get dozens of references to the plans of men, must of them about frustration. Rarely do you see that word in reference to God.

And in honor of the Feast of Christ the King, this from Pope Benedict XVI:

God does not have a fixed plan that he must carry out; on the contrary, he has many different ways of finding man and even of turning his wrong ways into right ways...the Feast of Christ the King is therefore not a feast of those who are subjugated, but a feast of those who know that they are in the hands of the one who writes straight with crooked lines.

So we plunge ahead confidently, remembering to listen, trying to do so, and trust Him to make sense out of the tangle of our lives.

Words

'Who gave a person a mouth?' Yahweh said to him... Is it not I, Yahweh? Now go, I shall help you speak and instruct you what to say.'
Exodus 4:11-12

God was very specific with Moses--where he was to go, what he was to say. Perhaps Moses just listened better. Perhaps it was the shepherding, and the time alone it gave him. Perhaps it was remembering to go up to the mountains, like Jesus did.

How do we listen? Where is the word?

Or perhaps, when you are the messenger, you just know.

Death and Aging

Jesus, who destroyed death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel...
2 Timothy 1:10

I look at the skin on my hands and it is withering, like the leaves that are turning brown, curling up and falling to the ground. Death is heavy with me this Autumn. Is it delayed reaction to my father's death last winter? He took with him the last buffer between me and the next world. Is it the whisper of the Holy Spirit? He whispers, "Life is temporary, let go of attachment to it."

My natural reaction is rage. We are called to be more than that. Only in Jesus is there strength in the face of bodily death.

Plans

I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I've heard that the one way to make God laugh is to tell him you have plans. The rest of my life is stretching out in front of me. I need a job, and the only thing certain is that I don't want to be "Director" of anything. Perhaps God has other ideas. My suspicion is that, while He values human work, He isn't terrible concerned about specific jobs. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I know he gave me marriage and family as my primary concern and that won't change. I know he wants me to write. The inclination is most certainly from him. But what shall I write? I won't tell him my plans. He might laugh. He sends me ideas when I remember to listen.

You will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

Writing

If you bring forth the precious without the vile, you shall be my mouthpiece.
Jeremiah 15:19

How do we bring for the precious without the vile? By taking in only the precious but not the vile? How do we live in the world without being a part of it? How do we then speak to it?

The word says "If you repent so that I restore you..."

To tell real stories about real people, is to deal with the ugly along with the beautiful, the good along with the bad. We have to sift for the precious in the midst of the crass. Between the vast moral wasteland of popular culture and the contrived fictions of inspirational romance and family-friendly programming lie the lives of real people making their way to God. To tell those stories requires the hand of God.

The Jerusalem Bible translation is this:

If you come back,I will take you back into my service;and if you utter noble, not despicable, thoughts,you shall be as my own mouth.

1. Repent
2. God acts to take you into his service
3. Utter nobel thoughts
4. God is in charge of the results.

That will work.

Quaerere Deum

Oh that today you would listen to His word!
Psalm 95

Listen carefully, my son to the Master's instructions and attend to them with the ear of your heart.
Rule of Saint Benedict

That is the constant conumdrum--how to listen, not talk. Spiritual advisors give us libraries full of advice on practice and piety--words to say. Occasionally we get a hint of how to listen. The Zen masters gave more listening advice that Western spiritual experts (says she, muttering).

Here's one from Magnificat: "Deaf though we may be to the Word of God, God never ceases to send us messengers..." The skeptic wonders, where are they in my life? Jeremiah, are you there? The believer acknowledges that the scripture sits unopened on the desk, and on the table. The writer goes on, however. "...homilies, hymns, prayers, persons, events, experiences--to break through our deafness that we might hear and live." The skeptic again wonders how we know which of the many people and events--and prayers, homilies and hymns--are the ones we should listen to.

Perhaps the answer is all of them.

Memorial Day (or, Mourning Again)

I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.

Psalm 35:13-15

Here's to those fallen in battle, may we revere their memory always. Here's to the mangled and maim who come back to us, they deserve our care and thanks.

Here, also, is tribute and respect to the living dead, the walking wounded, the ones who left their life on a battlefield somewhere, and filled out the rest of their days in a kind of grey half life, never quite the husbands or fathers they were before, never living the lives they would have led. Long before modern psychology named it PTSD they were among us.

Here, above all, is a salute to those who got back husband, brother, friend, father but never really got him back. I weep for my mother.

The Desert Again

A voice of one crying out in the desert: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.
Mark 1:3

From an interview with Bruce Feiler regarding Walking the Bible:

I went looking for all these rational questions, and could I make it connection with my kind of secular, rational world, and then I realized that was just this kind of crutch that I was relying on. And that what I really learned was that going into the desert, in particular, you have to learn to let go of those crutches and the civilized world, and open yourself up to something higher.

I think that one thing that Judaism, Christian and Islam have in common is that they are the story of a man - at their heart - the story of a man who leaves the civilized world and goes into the desert, has a transforming experience, and then comes back to the civilized world to share that experience with others.

The key thought here is that when you go into the desert you can't use reason and intellect as a crutch. You have to confront the higher realities. It reads like a primer on my own spiritual dilemmas.

Prayer

And when you are praying, speak not much, as the heathens. For they think that in their much speaking they may be heard.
Be not you therefore like to them, for your Father knoweth what is needful for you, before you ask him.
Matthew 6:7-8

It came to me suddenly, how I pray.

Dear Lord, show me what you want from me; Thy will be done. Now, here's what I'm going to do for you. 1)...

God says, if you'll stop talking, perhaps I can get a word in edgewise. Let me know when you are ready.

Emptying Out

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves
Philippians 2:3

If anything at all in faith runs contrary to the values of this world it is this: we are called to put the other--each and every 'other' in our lives--ahead of ourselves. Modern psychology screams out that this cannot be so; healthy ego demands attention to the self first. Faith argues that a truly health ego has no need of focus on self. Humility demands that we cease thinking about the self and simply live with what is.

Does this mean the person of faith should put up with abuse? Clearly not. To love the other is to prevent the other from being an abuser. To collaborate in the abuse by allowing your own victimization is not humility, it is self centered weakness.

Does this mean the person of faith is at the beck and call of every demand and whim of everyone he/she meets? Clearly not. To love the other is to keep your eyes on the true good, the long term well being of the the other and the bigger picture. It isn't about reaction, but about where you put your eyes.

If one of those given to you is irritable or angry the response is not "You're mean." or "I'm right you aren't." Nor is it "That's ok, treat me as you will." It is "What is behind this, and how can I help heal it with God's help?"

The emptying of self does not make one weak. On the contrary, it plants one on the firm foundation of God's power.

Mourning

For my days are vanishing like smoke
my bones burn away like a fire.
My heart is withered like the grass.
Psalm 102

April 4

There are losses that can never be replaced. Sadness and loss can swamp you unexpectedly long after you thought you were healed. Are you letting God down?

There are losses that make you acutely aware of your own failures. There is death, and there is the failure to give life. Can you refuse God's forgiveness and healing?

April, always April. "Breeding flowers in a dead land." MLK died April 4, 1968. Many perished in Xenia April 4, 1974, and one died a distance away at the same time. All deaths are equal in God's eyes. All life is from him. Can you refuse life?

No. Before you there is life and death. Choose life, with all its cyclic pain and rebirth, joy and sorrow, death and resurrection.

It's the blight that man was born for. It is Margaret that you mourn for. (cummings)

Worship

You shall not have other gods besides me. You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on the earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them or worship them.
Exodus 20:3-5

The Third Sunday in Lent, 2006
I never noticed before but Exodus gives 5 long verses to the first commandment, telling us in excruciating detail that we should not worship anything of this earth. Murder, adultery, lying and theft each get one line. In English, at least, they are more like half a line.

I would be the last one to argue that murder, adultery, lying or theft --or envy for that matter--are good. However, I'm thinking that a greater emphasis in conscience formation ought to go into rooting out the things I put in place of God. Who me? Worship idols? Could be, if I could see correctly. If I dare to ask Him, He will show me, I'm afraid.

I wonder if the noise I've been considering is the noise of idols.

Inspiravit

Dominus Deus ... inspiravit in faciem eius

Genesis 2:7

Inspiro=to breathe upon and also to inspire
Spiritus=breath and also life

So the Lord God breathed into his face
the Lord God inspired him, infused life into him, provided him with Spiritus

Provided me with Spiritus.

Breathing

And the Lord God...breathed into his face the breath of life and so man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

I was driven from the chapel Saturday by incense. Odd, that, but I simply couldn't breathe. I went up to my room and worked at breathing for a while. That was followed by a deep sleep.

When I read about cultivating silence, the author, whether Catholic, Christian or non-religious inevitably brings the discussion to breathing. Control your breathing, concentrate on your breathing, become aware of your breathing. Silent prayer, truly silent prayer in which you quiet the chatter in your head, usually involves the sound of your own breathing. I've come to see that as focusing on the point at which God holds you, oh so quietly, into existence, the tipping point between being and not being. At some point in faith you ought to be able to give it over utterly to Him. I don't know that I've ever gotten that far.

Asthma is a reminder of my frailty. Breath comes, and it could leave me. I am utterly dependent on God in the meantime.

The Desert

Thus says the Lord: I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. Hosea 2:16

(First reading for February 26, 2006)
Is the desert a silent place? It must be. Cultivate silence, He says, and, if you won't, I will lead you to the desert so that you can hear me.

Where did I find so much noise? The printed word, the Internet, the media, the phone--can I leave them all behind? Perhaps not for 40 days, but for two, yes, I can. I can at least begin Lent that way.

I have no doubt that if He chooses He can impose a great and terrible wilderness on those He loves.

Listen Don't Talk

when I called, you did not answer,when I spoke, you did not listen
Isaiah 65:12

Oh how I hate silence. Once there is emptiness in my life, I rush in with goals and plans. For years I believed that to be virtue. I've come to see it as refusal to listen. It is no different than rushing to fill every lull in the conversation with talk, leaving those I'm with no room to speak.

It has been six weeks since my father's funeral, and there have been days well occupied with business associated with the aftermath. There are many more, however that are wide open, many more such days than at any time in my adult life. They are frightening. My first instinct was to begin to scan the want ads and to engage family in discussion about whether or not we ought to move near the grandbaby. Only belatedly did it occur to me how horrid for my daughter and son-in-law it would be if we did indeed make that child the center of our days (he is already the center of our heart).

After thrashing around I concluded that the year off I chose began January 1, 2006 not June 1, 2005. Only with some time and space can I begin to understand what is going to be my "third act." For now, I have an opportunity to finally learn to listen. I am avoided complex goals--even extensive prayer goals--in favor of praying as much as possible always, and making much of that a prayer of silence into which God may speak.

In practical terms I reserve "planning" as much as possible to one day at a time. Every day I
> Begin with an offering prayer as I'm rising out of bed.
> Ask Greg what he needs for me to do that day, both in terms of what he wants me to do and in terms of his reliance on me for driving him places.
> Think out a general schedule that accomodates Greg's needs, plans dinner for the two of us, includes writing at least three new pages and either a walk or bike ride.
>Wrap prayer around it like a blanket.

Other than that, two key outside forces, Church and Family, impact my schedule and activities. In these things I believe the voice of God is present. It is undoubtedly elsewhere but I need to learn to listen very carefully.

If I let Him, He will teach me.

Rest

On my bed I remember you. On you I muse through the night.
Psalm 63

When I cannot sleep and there appears to be no reason for it, I want to shout, "What do you want from me?" Rude to God--good going!

In the "watches of the night" the words of Augustine, "Our hearts are restless til they rest in You," take on new meaning. Restless indeed, in every sense of the word--lacking in rest, restlessly moving, restless legs, restless mind.

In him is our safety, our rest, our security, but my mind can't always convince my body. Strung out from lack of sleep, piety and contemplation escape me. All I can do is repeat rote prayers. When the rosary is finished, all I can seek oblivion in cable TV (truely awful in the wee hours of the night) or the Internet (brain numbing, particularly the games). Productive work is not an option at that point. So I throw myself on his mercy and pray for a cure--or for morning.

I will lay down in peace, and sleep comes at once, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4

Humility

...Learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:29

Driving my Aunt to Mass on Sunday, I asked her if she wasn't frustrated that she is no longer able to drive. Her children had intervened recently due to health reasons. Since I know from experience the kind of rage and ego-busting frustration that result from loss of driving privileges in our culture, I was concerned.

She smiled calmly and said, yes, it bothered her, but that it was an excellent teacher of humility.

I tend to think of virtues as projects, as something I choose to do, set as goals, and accomplish. The great irony is that seeking to make yourself humble requires enormous spiritual pride, ever the besetting sin of the faithful. Virtues are, in fact, reactions to the opportunities God sends us. Ask to learn humility at your peril. He will show you when and where you have those opportunities very quickly. That's something my Aunt understands and I can only hope to learn.

Small Ironies

Work at your tasks in due season, and in his own time God will give you your reward.
Sirach 51:30

Today, as it turns out, is the feast of Saint Charles Borromeo, worthy man that he is. I had forgotten that he was both a civil and a canon lawyer. He is also the patron of catechists and Catholic education. He's known for "promulgation of regulations intended to foster the Church's mission." He was, in short, the quintessential Catholic churchman.

What I did remember correctly is that none of his strengths speak directly to my life and calling except one: Holiness to which we all are called.

Good Saint Charles, pray for us all.

All Saints; Particular Saints

Live justly, Love compassionately, walk humbly before God...
Micah 6:8

All Saints Day had me thinking about patron saints. It must have been something in the homily that set me off.

In Catholic school, before the cooling of the earth's crust, I always hated that discussion, which usually happened this very week each year. There is no saint "Carol." I was always informed that I got St. Charles (or "Carlo") Borromeo as a patron. While he was and is undoubtedly a worthy servant of the Lord, the life an Italian Cardinal gave me little to relate to as a small girl.

Research turns up a few other Carlos, including a 20th century Emperor in exile and the intriguing Venerable Carla Ronci, a lay woman about whom all references seem to be in Italian. When JPII is canonized, there will be a canonized Karol but, of course, he is male, and the Church will refer to him as John Paul the Great. My DH is named Gregory and there are many Saints Gregory so I asked him who he took as his patron saint. Without hesitation he said "Ambrose," using his middle name and picking a really great choice.

After some thought, it occurred to me that, name or no name, I could choose my own patron. Who would I choose? Elizabeth of Hungary was my patron at 19 and in habit. Tough lady, Elizabeth. She ran a country when her husband went off to crusade, raised three kids, outsmarted her evil brother in law to preserve the throne for her son, and, as the hagiographers remind us, ended her life as a virtuous widow in a monastery. That's what out of work queens did in those days. In recent years, I have been a great admirer of Katherine Drexel. She is another tough woman (do you detect a theme here?). She was independent, outspoken and relentless in pursuit of her goals. Writers often describe her as giving away her very large inheritance while having no possessions, living poorly and traveling third class. Those things are true. It is also true that she was the savvy daughter of a banker with connections to the finance industry, and she invested her inheritance, multiplying it greatly even as she gave it away. I can also go with Catherine of Sienna, Doctor of the Church, or Mother Teresa who held her own with popes and princes. No meek characters here.

I realized as always that I was once again telling God what I was going to do instead of asking for advice. And so I prayed. Throughout the day, I poked around looking for things about Katherine Drexel and God led me to this: while she was all those things I thought I admired, I was missing something very important. Saint Katherine had a passion for social justice, and she exercised that passion in very concrete ways. She also fueled her work by prayer, and managed her order by prayer in retirement.

As All Souls day dawns, here it is. Somewhere a boy named Chuck needs to learn about Italian Cardinals and exiled Emperors, but as for me, I place myself under the patronage of Mother Katherine. We'll see where each day leads me.

~~~~~~

Katherine Drexel, by the grace of Christ and for the love of God and your fellow human beings, you put your wealth to work for the poor and marginalized, bringing them education, healing, and the opportunity to participate in their own lives. May your example of conversion and cross-cultural solidarity be an evangelical witness for all people. We particularly ask your intercession on behalf of the rich and powerful, that they will stop committing injustices against the poor and embrace the culture of life that calls us to healing and wholeness and communion with God and solidarity with our neighbor. Amen.