The Boy With the Fish

 

"There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish; but what good are these for so many?"

                                                  John 6:9  

         

  Aside from the Resurrection, the feeding of the 5000 is the only miracle recounted in all four gospels. It is interesting to me that it is about feeding the hungry. Generally in this story and its commentary (such as the homily at today's Mass) the focus is on the apostles and their relative faith or lack of it, on their questioning. It struck me this morning that my position is more like the boy with the fish.

He didn't understand the big picture

He knew he couldn't solve the problem of 5,000 hungry people

He knew he couldn't fix the world around him

He wasn't an apostle or any sort of important official

BUT

He didn't sit quietly feeling helpless

He didn't ask questions

He did the good he could

He generously offered what little he had

From that Jesus, who is the person whose job it is to save the world, fed the multitude while the apostles did the big job of distributing. And the boy? I suspect he sat quietly while it happened,

In the great Theo-drama of salvation history past, present, and future, my role is tiny, but He expects me to do the good I can in the place where He has put me, for the people He has sent, with the gifts He has given me.

It's pretty simple in the end.

Joy

Rejoicing comes in the morning...

Psalm 30:5

The sun shines bright this morning.  It filters through the two dozen trees in my back yard. It gives the little piles of fallen leaves a sparkle. Every morning has its own unique beauty.

I am well housed, well fed, well loved in a home my grandson moves comfortably in and out from his own home down the street.  Life is good. I should be bursting with joy -- and giving thanks.  And in some ways I am--really.  Thanks and praise come readily to my mouth. 

Joy has always been a struggle, though.  Contentment is tough.

I don't know why, but in my life (and in my writing) I seem to be more comfortable with angst and struggle than peace and joy. When things are this good a wee small voice deep inside is saying, "Are you sure? Better look more closely." Gloomy, grey mornings come and I think, "Ha! I knew it." Given a fabulous day with one bad moment I have to force myself not to focus on and pick over the bad moment.

I don't know where this came from. I've learned to work around it. (I once made a conscious decision to stop thinking of my life as a Greek Tragedy and being to see it as a situation comedy, but that is hard to remember.)  One thing I do know: it reflects a fundamental lack of trust on a spiritual level.

We're in God's hands. Let us give thanks and rejoice.

Darkness

For you Lord give light to my lamp; my God brightens my darkness.

Psalm 18:29

Some periods of life are murkier than others.  Having changed my life utterly and completely, there is an opportunity to rebuild it. God, as always, hasn't sent blueprints.  The potential for growth is enormous; the darkness, smothering at times.

Do I pray more? Seek religious community? Reduce the clutter of this world in my hours and mind?  Is there Good Work to do or study and prayer?  Justice to demand? Monastic schedule or spirit-led spontaneity?

One road marker is the fundamental vocation, in my case hearth and family. Nurture Greg. Create a center of peace and support for children, grandchildren, extended family. But when? how? what roles? what gifts?

The opportunities for black funk are many also. Family discord.  The burdens of those I love. Politics. Bigotry. Abortion. Violance. Wars and rumors of wars. Evil in the Church and out of it

Perhaps the greatest temptation is to believe salvation--even my own--is my job alone. The sure knowledge that I am powerless (on my own) in the face of all those things can crush me.  The good news is, I'm not on my own.

As someone once observed, "We play at being God but the almighty has a way of reminding us that the job is already filled."  Or,  as Catherine of Siena put it, "I am He Who is God; you are she who is not."

So what then? Prayer surely. Even retired I don't get the entire Divine Office in, but I can manage at least two legs and frequently three. In the middle of the day it lifts me up.  Yesterday various mishaps practically bullied me into saying the rosary while on the treadmill. I used to use drive time for it, but I don't do that anymore.  Rule of thumb: when down, pray. When confused, pray.

The psalmist tells us that it is the WORD that is the lamp unto our feet. Seek wisdom through the word.

Cardinal Newman wrote more prayers about darkness and confusion than anyone.  I need to remember his dictum:

If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about.

Give God space to act. Do not fill it with your own noise!

The Journey

God, carried you, as a man carries his own child, all along your journey...

Deuteronomy 1:31

And He still does.   We don't see where life is taking us. We have no idea what things God will send or what obstacles this world will put in the path. We can't see the bends in the road or what is around the corner.  We don't know the map of our own particular journey. We do know the ultimate destination whether it be near or far and we know one other thing:  God carries us.

Sleep

You withheld sleep from my eyes, I was troubled, I could not speak. I thought of days long ago.

Psalm 77

Bad night. It is tempting to claim I used it to ponder, as the psalmist suggests, the works for the Lord.   Alas no! 

I pondered this: Why is my tummy acting up now?  I was fine all day yesterday but at bedtime pain and, well, noise.  I was tempted to ask "Why now God?"

Greg slept, I wandered the house.  Night office done, I sought refuge in OTC meds, tea, a sip of Drambui--to no avail--not additional prayer.  An hour or more with a favorite author later I slipped into bed with a more minor tummy ache and finally, blessedly, sleep.

This morning praise and joy in the office, fog and sleepiness everywhere else.  Now I ponder, "Lord how can I work if I don't sleep?"  I've learned to ask for help for worse so I ask, "Help me get a grip on my digestive challenges and get a good night's sleep."

Actually, one night in seven isn't bad. This used to be nightly.  So praise Him for what you get, thank him for the things that humble, and do the best you can with what you get.

Winter

And perhaps I shall stay or even spend the winter with you, so that you may send me on my way wherever I may go. 1 Corinthians 16:6

Sometimes you have to begin again. Late winter, just before Lent is one of those times.

My journey never stopped but this blog dropped by the wayside along the way. This seems like a good time to pick it up again. This time I hope to reflect on two topics: 1) what I believe and 2) marriage. What do I believe? I'm a Nicene Christian--and  Roman Catholic. 

I still struggle with discerning God's will for my future, but less than before. It isn't really necessary to see the entire road map, only to continue the journey, "wherever I may go" and to trust that he is leading one step at a time. His word is a lamp to my path.

Plans

In his mind a man plans his course, but the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16: 9

The old joke: How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. If you do a full-text search of the Bible on "plans" you get dozens of references to the plans of men, must of them about frustration. Rarely do you see that word in reference to God.

And in honor of the Feast of Christ the King, this from Pope Benedict XVI:

God does not have a fixed plan that he must carry out; on the contrary, he has many different ways of finding man and even of turning his wrong ways into right ways...the Feast of Christ the King is therefore not a feast of those who are subjugated, but a feast of those who know that they are in the hands of the one who writes straight with crooked lines.

So we plunge ahead confidently, remembering to listen, trying to do so, and trust Him to make sense out of the tangle of our lives.

Plans

I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I've heard that the one way to make God laugh is to tell him you have plans. The rest of my life is stretching out in front of me. I need a job, and the only thing certain is that I don't want to be "Director" of anything. Perhaps God has other ideas. My suspicion is that, while He values human work, He isn't terrible concerned about specific jobs. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I know he gave me marriage and family as my primary concern and that won't change. I know he wants me to write. The inclination is most certainly from him. But what shall I write? I won't tell him my plans. He might laugh. He sends me ideas when I remember to listen.

You will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18