Grief 1: Thy Will Be Done

Whenever we imagine we are in control of life—our own or someone else's—we have fallen prey to the ancient whisper in the Garden: "You shall be like gods."

Magnificat, Vol 24 Number 12, February 27, 2024

It is now forty-one days since my Beloved, my love for 54 years slipped gently away to God.  Suffering with his heart for all of his eighty years, it finally gave out after two particularly long difficult years of care. The last six months of in-home hospice care were a blessing. Every day from our anniversary July 26 until his death I knew exactly what God expected of me--caring for my husband round the clock. It was the longest period in my life when my calling was brilliantly clear. Every moment of it was a blessing.

Greg always said God would take him when He was ready and was perfectly at peace. We had lived every day of the last thirty years since the last crisis as if it could be our last. We had no regrets or work undone. we had traveled and spent endless time enjoying one another. We'd moved to be close to our Grandson and took full advantage of it. After some years of terrible estrangement, we had reconciled with our middle child, Rachel, and had her close for the last five years, seeing her at least weekly.

And then, God took Rachel too. On Christmas Eve. We had two funerals in three weeks. The burden of that added to months of sleepless and endlessly interrupted nights, left me numb. The exhaustion remains, and I still haven't relearned how to sleep through the night.  I still haven't cried or crumbled.

My calm concerned me. The counselor I'm seeing pointed out there is no one right way to grieve. Perhaps I was just ready. Perhaps Greg's faith and strength in the face of death sustain me. We'll see.

I've never lived alone before. I'm taking it one day at a time. I offer my day to God every morning. My theme song is now "Lead Kindly Light..."

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th’encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

Yep. That was me. Telling God what I was going to do for him and never waiting to listen. I am so trying to wake up every morning and give my day, that one day, over to his will. I did that yesterday, and he gave me...  MICE. I'll be dealing with the mess in my garage for a long while. Such is real life.  

Work

First of all, every time you begin a good work, you must pray to Him most earnestly to bring it to perfection.  

Rule of Saint Benedict  

The psalmist says Unless the Lord build the house, they who build it labor in vain. (Psalm 127).  The house, the family that lives in it, the neighborhood, the city--without God's work the result is vanity.

Whether I'm picking up a paintbrush, sweeping the kitchen, or trying to pen a great novel, none of it has meaning if it isn't God's work.   Benedict put his finger on the problem.  The trick is to remember to pray first.   Starting the day with a general scattergun prayer, "Bless the works of our hands," is good but specific prayer for specific work is better.   

At the moment we're attempting to make a new house into a home.  Even more important, we want to create a place of comfort and joy for our grandson down the street.  If ever there was work that required God's hand, it is this.

Plans

I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I've heard that the one way to make God laugh is to tell him you have plans. The rest of my life is stretching out in front of me. I need a job, and the only thing certain is that I don't want to be "Director" of anything. Perhaps God has other ideas. My suspicion is that, while He values human work, He isn't terrible concerned about specific jobs. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I know he gave me marriage and family as my primary concern and that won't change. I know he wants me to write. The inclination is most certainly from him. But what shall I write? I won't tell him my plans. He might laugh. He sends me ideas when I remember to listen.

You will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

Listen Don't Talk

when I called, you did not answer,when I spoke, you did not listen
Isaiah 65:12

Oh how I hate silence. Once there is emptiness in my life, I rush in with goals and plans. For years I believed that to be virtue. I've come to see it as refusal to listen. It is no different than rushing to fill every lull in the conversation with talk, leaving those I'm with no room to speak.

It has been six weeks since my father's funeral, and there have been days well occupied with business associated with the aftermath. There are many more, however that are wide open, many more such days than at any time in my adult life. They are frightening. My first instinct was to begin to scan the want ads and to engage family in discussion about whether or not we ought to move near the grandbaby. Only belatedly did it occur to me how horrid for my daughter and son-in-law it would be if we did indeed make that child the center of our days (he is already the center of our heart).

After thrashing around I concluded that the year off I chose began January 1, 2006 not June 1, 2005. Only with some time and space can I begin to understand what is going to be my "third act." For now, I have an opportunity to finally learn to listen. I am avoided complex goals--even extensive prayer goals--in favor of praying as much as possible always, and making much of that a prayer of silence into which God may speak.

In practical terms I reserve "planning" as much as possible to one day at a time. Every day I
> Begin with an offering prayer as I'm rising out of bed.
> Ask Greg what he needs for me to do that day, both in terms of what he wants me to do and in terms of his reliance on me for driving him places.
> Think out a general schedule that accomodates Greg's needs, plans dinner for the two of us, includes writing at least three new pages and either a walk or bike ride.
>Wrap prayer around it like a blanket.

Other than that, two key outside forces, Church and Family, impact my schedule and activities. In these things I believe the voice of God is present. It is undoubtedly elsewhere but I need to learn to listen very carefully.

If I let Him, He will teach me.

Debts

...et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

I have piled up some debts lately. At the exact moment in which I was ponderously posting about discipline and prayer--showing up for life--God was preparing to remind me once again of the folly of planning.

When your father is ill, you owe him your care. When you are ill yourself, your challenge is surrender; you owe God absolute trust. When your husband takes care of you and your relatives for weeks, he is owed some attention. When your children discover you have new free time, and have life to share, you owe them your attention. When a new grandbaby is born, your joy is beyond measure, and the thanks you owe cannot be counted. I'm in debt up to my shoulders. I can only ask that the debts I fail to satisfy be forgiven.

What of the debts owed to me? The respectful attention of a parent, the love of a spouse, the respect and attention of children, the loyalty of friends, the integrity of professional colleagues--what of those? If debts are owed, I can only forgive them. I have no choice.

Is my daily prayer another debt I owe? I don't think so. Too often, in my prayer life as well as all aspects of my life, I make plans to satisfy myself. God's demands are simpler. Saint Gregory of Nyssa says in the end all He wants is our friendship--and that we remember that all good we do we do per ipsum.