Per Ipsum

...Learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:29 Driving my Aunt to Mass on Sunday, I asked her if she wasn't frustrated that she is no longer able to drive. Her children had intervened recently due to health reasons. Since I know from experience the kind of rage and ego-busting frustration that result from loss of driving privileges in our culture, I was concerned. She smiled calmly and said, yes, it bothered her, but that it was an excellent teacher of humility. I tend to think of virtues as projects, as something I choose to do, set as goals, and accomplish. The great irony is that seeking to make yourself humble requires enormous spiritual pride, ever the besetting sin of the faithful. Virtues are, in fact, reactions to the opportunities God sends us. Ask to learn humility at your peril. He will show you when and where you have those opportunities very quickly. That's something my Aunt understands and I can only hope

Work at your tasks in due season, and in his own time God will give you your reward. Sirach 51:30 Today, as it turns out, is the feast of Saint Charles Borromeo, worthy man that he is. I had forgotten that he was both a civil and a canon lawyer. He is also the patron of catechists and Catholic education. He's known for "promulgation of regulations intended to foster the Church's mission." He was, in short, the quintessential Catholic churchman. What I did remember correctly is that none of his strengths speak directly to my life and calling except one: Holiness to which we all are called. Good Saint Charles, pray for us all.

Live justly, Love compassionately, walk humbly before God... Micah 6:8 All Saints Day had me thinking about patron saints. It must have been something in the homily that set me off. In Catholic school, before the cooling of the earth's crust, I always hated that discussion, which usually happened this very week each year. There is no saint "Carol." I was always informed that I got St. Charles (or "Carlo") Borromeo as a patron. While he was and is undoubtedly a worthy servant of the Lord, the life an Italian Cardinal gave me little to relate to as a small girl. Research turns up a few other Carlos, including a 20th century Emperor in exile and the intriguing Venerable Carla Ronci, a lay woman about whom all references seem to be in Italian. When JPII is canonized, there will be a canonized Karol but, of course, he is male, and the Church will refer to him as John Paul the Great. My DH is named Gregory and there are many Saints Gregory so I asked him who he took a

...et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris. I have piled up some debts lately. At the exact moment in which I was ponderously posting about discipline and prayer--showing up for life--God was preparing to remind me once again of the folly of planning. When your father is ill, you owe him your care. When you are ill yourself, your challenge is surrender; you owe God absolute trust. When your husband takes care of you and your relatives for weeks, he is owed some attention. When your children discover you have new free time, and have life to share, you owe them your attention. When a new grandbaby is born, your joy is beyond measure, and the thanks you owe cannot be counted. I'm in debt up to my shoulders. I can only ask that the debts I fail to satisfy be forgiven. What of the debts owed to me? The respectful attention of a parent, the love of a spouse, the respect and attention of children, the loyalty of friends, the integrity of professional col

Unless the LORD build the house, they labor in vain who build. Unless the LORD guard the city, in vain does the guard keep watch. It is vain for you to rise early and put off your rest at night, To eat bread earned by hard toil-- all this God gives to his beloved in sleep. Psalm 127 Father Manning says to apply to prayer the same planning and scheduling I apply to work. Ah, but what about the fact that I already suffer from the delusion that all this planning means that I'm in control. Of course I'm not, but that isn't an excuse to shrug off discipline. He's right, of course, and even if I didn't think so I would do it this week as he instructed. When my life is out of order, the first thing that needs to be brought in line is regularity in prayer. Not soaring passion. Not flashes of divine fire (though, if you're listening God, I wouldn't object to those either). Simple regularity. The first job in life is to show up for it.

Then the Lord removed the veil from Balaam's eyes and he too saw the angel of the Lord standing on the road with sword drawn..." Numbers 22:31 We claim to seek God's will, but then immediately begin to pick and choose which of His messages we wish to hear. Some messengers are so obvious that even an ass can see them--but we don't see what we don't want to see. Today I was determined to do [what I decided was] the right and responsible thing even if it meant disrupting my brother's family, and my staff. In the end, however, what was wanted was for me to let go of work which didn't need me anyway, take care of my Dad, and relax. It never occurs to me that the Lord's will for me might be rest, joy, peace. I look only for work. Today I got sunshine, a good book, a nap, and time to reflect. Having accepted that I can quit the position that has obsorbed so much of my soul for eight years, I now want to puff up my importance by filling my remaining d

"...to do that [surrender to God's will] is to live in the present. You know God in the midst of your family and his continuous providence for it; you are at peace within yourself in the fullest sense because you are content to do the work of the present moment and let God provide for the future." Gerald Vann OP In this is the will of God for me--whatever today's "This" is.

" There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way " CS Lewis The Church prays for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and then squabbles about the results. One man's long-wished for saint is another man's disaster. In the eleventh century alone we survived influence peddling, anti-popes, intrigues in which the papacy was bought, sold, and left beholding to various factions. We also got reformers, two saints and a zealot who launched the crusades. The Holy Spirit undoubtedly attends the conclave but He is not insurance that the resulting candidate will be perfect, or saintly, or easy to live with. He guides the Church no matter what. He is there to take care of the rest of us regardless of the results. If each of us would just listen, we would be better off.

Everything has a beginning. Even in midlife we have beginnings. This is one of them; I've come to a place at which I need to explore the themes I've been given: Silence Submission Breath and the arenas in which they play out, work and family.