Plans

I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I've heard that the one way to make God laugh is to tell him you have plans. The rest of my life is stretching out in front of me. I need a job, and the only thing certain is that I don't want to be "Director" of anything. Perhaps God has other ideas. My suspicion is that, while He values human work, He isn't terrible concerned about specific jobs. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I know he gave me marriage and family as my primary concern and that won't change. I know he wants me to write. The inclination is most certainly from him. But what shall I write? I won't tell him my plans. He might laugh. He sends me ideas when I remember to listen.

You will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

Writing

If you bring forth the precious without the vile, you shall be my mouthpiece.
Jeremiah 15:19

How do we bring for the precious without the vile? By taking in only the precious but not the vile? How do we live in the world without being a part of it? How do we then speak to it?

The word says "If you repent so that I restore you..."

To tell real stories about real people, is to deal with the ugly along with the beautiful, the good along with the bad. We have to sift for the precious in the midst of the crass. Between the vast moral wasteland of popular culture and the contrived fictions of inspirational romance and family-friendly programming lie the lives of real people making their way to God. To tell those stories requires the hand of God.

The Jerusalem Bible translation is this:

If you come back,I will take you back into my service;and if you utter noble, not despicable, thoughts,you shall be as my own mouth.

1. Repent
2. God acts to take you into his service
3. Utter nobel thoughts
4. God is in charge of the results.

That will work.

Quaerere Deum

Oh that today you would listen to His word!
Psalm 95

Listen carefully, my son to the Master's instructions and attend to them with the ear of your heart.
Rule of Saint Benedict

That is the constant conumdrum--how to listen, not talk. Spiritual advisors give us libraries full of advice on practice and piety--words to say. Occasionally we get a hint of how to listen. The Zen masters gave more listening advice that Western spiritual experts (says she, muttering).

Here's one from Magnificat: "Deaf though we may be to the Word of God, God never ceases to send us messengers..." The skeptic wonders, where are they in my life? Jeremiah, are you there? The believer acknowledges that the scripture sits unopened on the desk, and on the table. The writer goes on, however. "...homilies, hymns, prayers, persons, events, experiences--to break through our deafness that we might hear and live." The skeptic again wonders how we know which of the many people and events--and prayers, homilies and hymns--are the ones we should listen to.

Perhaps the answer is all of them.

Memorial Day (or, Mourning Again)

I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.

Psalm 35:13-15

Here's to those fallen in battle, may we revere their memory always. Here's to the mangled and maim who come back to us, they deserve our care and thanks.

Here, also, is tribute and respect to the living dead, the walking wounded, the ones who left their life on a battlefield somewhere, and filled out the rest of their days in a kind of grey half life, never quite the husbands or fathers they were before, never living the lives they would have led. Long before modern psychology named it PTSD they were among us.

Here, above all, is a salute to those who got back husband, brother, friend, father but never really got him back. I weep for my mother.

The Desert Again

A voice of one crying out in the desert: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.
Mark 1:3

From an interview with Bruce Feiler regarding Walking the Bible:

I went looking for all these rational questions, and could I make it connection with my kind of secular, rational world, and then I realized that was just this kind of crutch that I was relying on. And that what I really learned was that going into the desert, in particular, you have to learn to let go of those crutches and the civilized world, and open yourself up to something higher.

I think that one thing that Judaism, Christian and Islam have in common is that they are the story of a man - at their heart - the story of a man who leaves the civilized world and goes into the desert, has a transforming experience, and then comes back to the civilized world to share that experience with others.

The key thought here is that when you go into the desert you can't use reason and intellect as a crutch. You have to confront the higher realities. It reads like a primer on my own spiritual dilemmas.

Prayer

And when you are praying, speak not much, as the heathens. For they think that in their much speaking they may be heard.
Be not you therefore like to them, for your Father knoweth what is needful for you, before you ask him.
Matthew 6:7-8

It came to me suddenly, how I pray.

Dear Lord, show me what you want from me; Thy will be done. Now, here's what I'm going to do for you. 1)...

God says, if you'll stop talking, perhaps I can get a word in edgewise. Let me know when you are ready.

Emptying Out

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves
Philippians 2:3

If anything at all in faith runs contrary to the values of this world it is this: we are called to put the other--each and every 'other' in our lives--ahead of ourselves. Modern psychology screams out that this cannot be so; healthy ego demands attention to the self first. Faith argues that a truly health ego has no need of focus on self. Humility demands that we cease thinking about the self and simply live with what is.

Does this mean the person of faith should put up with abuse? Clearly not. To love the other is to prevent the other from being an abuser. To collaborate in the abuse by allowing your own victimization is not humility, it is self centered weakness.

Does this mean the person of faith is at the beck and call of every demand and whim of everyone he/she meets? Clearly not. To love the other is to keep your eyes on the true good, the long term well being of the the other and the bigger picture. It isn't about reaction, but about where you put your eyes.

If one of those given to you is irritable or angry the response is not "You're mean." or "I'm right you aren't." Nor is it "That's ok, treat me as you will." It is "What is behind this, and how can I help heal it with God's help?"

The emptying of self does not make one weak. On the contrary, it plants one on the firm foundation of God's power.

Mourning

For my days are vanishing like smoke
my bones burn away like a fire.
My heart is withered like the grass.
Psalm 102

April 4

There are losses that can never be replaced. Sadness and loss can swamp you unexpectedly long after you thought you were healed. Are you letting God down?

There are losses that make you acutely aware of your own failures. There is death, and there is the failure to give life. Can you refuse God's forgiveness and healing?

April, always April. "Breeding flowers in a dead land." MLK died April 4, 1968. Many perished in Xenia April 4, 1974, and one died a distance away at the same time. All deaths are equal in God's eyes. All life is from him. Can you refuse life?

No. Before you there is life and death. Choose life, with all its cyclic pain and rebirth, joy and sorrow, death and resurrection.

It's the blight that man was born for. It is Margaret that you mourn for. (cummings)

Worship

You shall not have other gods besides me. You shall not carve idols for yourselves in the shape of anything in the sky above or on the earth below or in the waters beneath the earth; you shall not bow down before them or worship them.
Exodus 20:3-5

The Third Sunday in Lent, 2006
I never noticed before but Exodus gives 5 long verses to the first commandment, telling us in excruciating detail that we should not worship anything of this earth. Murder, adultery, lying and theft each get one line. In English, at least, they are more like half a line.

I would be the last one to argue that murder, adultery, lying or theft --or envy for that matter--are good. However, I'm thinking that a greater emphasis in conscience formation ought to go into rooting out the things I put in place of God. Who me? Worship idols? Could be, if I could see correctly. If I dare to ask Him, He will show me, I'm afraid.

I wonder if the noise I've been considering is the noise of idols.

Inspiravit

Dominus Deus ... inspiravit in faciem eius

Genesis 2:7

Inspiro=to breathe upon and also to inspire
Spiritus=breath and also life

So the Lord God breathed into his face
the Lord God inspired him, infused life into him, provided him with Spiritus

Provided me with Spiritus.

Breathing

And the Lord God...breathed into his face the breath of life and so man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

I was driven from the chapel Saturday by incense. Odd, that, but I simply couldn't breathe. I went up to my room and worked at breathing for a while. That was followed by a deep sleep.

When I read about cultivating silence, the author, whether Catholic, Christian or non-religious inevitably brings the discussion to breathing. Control your breathing, concentrate on your breathing, become aware of your breathing. Silent prayer, truly silent prayer in which you quiet the chatter in your head, usually involves the sound of your own breathing. I've come to see that as focusing on the point at which God holds you, oh so quietly, into existence, the tipping point between being and not being. At some point in faith you ought to be able to give it over utterly to Him. I don't know that I've ever gotten that far.

Asthma is a reminder of my frailty. Breath comes, and it could leave me. I am utterly dependent on God in the meantime.

The Desert

Thus says the Lord: I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. Hosea 2:16

(First reading for February 26, 2006)
Is the desert a silent place? It must be. Cultivate silence, He says, and, if you won't, I will lead you to the desert so that you can hear me.

Where did I find so much noise? The printed word, the Internet, the media, the phone--can I leave them all behind? Perhaps not for 40 days, but for two, yes, I can. I can at least begin Lent that way.

I have no doubt that if He chooses He can impose a great and terrible wilderness on those He loves.

Listen Don't Talk

when I called, you did not answer,when I spoke, you did not listen
Isaiah 65:12

Oh how I hate silence. Once there is emptiness in my life, I rush in with goals and plans. For years I believed that to be virtue. I've come to see it as refusal to listen. It is no different than rushing to fill every lull in the conversation with talk, leaving those I'm with no room to speak.

It has been six weeks since my father's funeral, and there have been days well occupied with business associated with the aftermath. There are many more, however that are wide open, many more such days than at any time in my adult life. They are frightening. My first instinct was to begin to scan the want ads and to engage family in discussion about whether or not we ought to move near the grandbaby. Only belatedly did it occur to me how horrid for my daughter and son-in-law it would be if we did indeed make that child the center of our days (he is already the center of our heart).

After thrashing around I concluded that the year off I chose began January 1, 2006 not June 1, 2005. Only with some time and space can I begin to understand what is going to be my "third act." For now, I have an opportunity to finally learn to listen. I am avoided complex goals--even extensive prayer goals--in favor of praying as much as possible always, and making much of that a prayer of silence into which God may speak.

In practical terms I reserve "planning" as much as possible to one day at a time. Every day I
> Begin with an offering prayer as I'm rising out of bed.
> Ask Greg what he needs for me to do that day, both in terms of what he wants me to do and in terms of his reliance on me for driving him places.
> Think out a general schedule that accomodates Greg's needs, plans dinner for the two of us, includes writing at least three new pages and either a walk or bike ride.
>Wrap prayer around it like a blanket.

Other than that, two key outside forces, Church and Family, impact my schedule and activities. In these things I believe the voice of God is present. It is undoubtedly elsewhere but I need to learn to listen very carefully.

If I let Him, He will teach me.

Rest

On my bed I remember you. On you I muse through the night.
Psalm 63

When I cannot sleep and there appears to be no reason for it, I want to shout, "What do you want from me?" Rude to God--good going!

In the "watches of the night" the words of Augustine, "Our hearts are restless til they rest in You," take on new meaning. Restless indeed, in every sense of the word--lacking in rest, restlessly moving, restless legs, restless mind.

In him is our safety, our rest, our security, but my mind can't always convince my body. Strung out from lack of sleep, piety and contemplation escape me. All I can do is repeat rote prayers. When the rosary is finished, all I can seek oblivion in cable TV (truely awful in the wee hours of the night) or the Internet (brain numbing, particularly the games). Productive work is not an option at that point. So I throw myself on his mercy and pray for a cure--or for morning.

I will lay down in peace, and sleep comes at once, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4

Humility

...Learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:29

Driving my Aunt to Mass on Sunday, I asked her if she wasn't frustrated that she is no longer able to drive. Her children had intervened recently due to health reasons. Since I know from experience the kind of rage and ego-busting frustration that result from loss of driving privileges in our culture, I was concerned.

She smiled calmly and said, yes, it bothered her, but that it was an excellent teacher of humility.

I tend to think of virtues as projects, as something I choose to do, set as goals, and accomplish. The great irony is that seeking to make yourself humble requires enormous spiritual pride, ever the besetting sin of the faithful. Virtues are, in fact, reactions to the opportunities God sends us. Ask to learn humility at your peril. He will show you when and where you have those opportunities very quickly. That's something my Aunt understands and I can only hope to learn.

Small Ironies

Work at your tasks in due season, and in his own time God will give you your reward.
Sirach 51:30

Today, as it turns out, is the feast of Saint Charles Borromeo, worthy man that he is. I had forgotten that he was both a civil and a canon lawyer. He is also the patron of catechists and Catholic education. He's known for "promulgation of regulations intended to foster the Church's mission." He was, in short, the quintessential Catholic churchman.

What I did remember correctly is that none of his strengths speak directly to my life and calling except one: Holiness to which we all are called.

Good Saint Charles, pray for us all.

All Saints; Particular Saints

Live justly, Love compassionately, walk humbly before God...
Micah 6:8

All Saints Day had me thinking about patron saints. It must have been something in the homily that set me off.

In Catholic school, before the cooling of the earth's crust, I always hated that discussion, which usually happened this very week each year. There is no saint "Carol." I was always informed that I got St. Charles (or "Carlo") Borromeo as a patron. While he was and is undoubtedly a worthy servant of the Lord, the life an Italian Cardinal gave me little to relate to as a small girl.

Research turns up a few other Carlos, including a 20th century Emperor in exile and the intriguing Venerable Carla Ronci, a lay woman about whom all references seem to be in Italian. When JPII is canonized, there will be a canonized Karol but, of course, he is male, and the Church will refer to him as John Paul the Great. My DH is named Gregory and there are many Saints Gregory so I asked him who he took as his patron saint. Without hesitation he said "Ambrose," using his middle name and picking a really great choice.

After some thought, it occurred to me that, name or no name, I could choose my own patron. Who would I choose? Elizabeth of Hungary was my patron at 19 and in habit. Tough lady, Elizabeth. She ran a country when her husband went off to crusade, raised three kids, outsmarted her evil brother in law to preserve the throne for her son, and, as the hagiographers remind us, ended her life as a virtuous widow in a monastery. That's what out of work queens did in those days. In recent years, I have been a great admirer of Katherine Drexel. She is another tough woman (do you detect a theme here?). She was independent, outspoken and relentless in pursuit of her goals. Writers often describe her as giving away her very large inheritance while having no possessions, living poorly and traveling third class. Those things are true. It is also true that she was the savvy daughter of a banker with connections to the finance industry, and she invested her inheritance, multiplying it greatly even as she gave it away. I can also go with Catherine of Sienna, Doctor of the Church, or Mother Teresa who held her own with popes and princes. No meek characters here.

I realized as always that I was once again telling God what I was going to do instead of asking for advice. And so I prayed. Throughout the day, I poked around looking for things about Katherine Drexel and God led me to this: while she was all those things I thought I admired, I was missing something very important. Saint Katherine had a passion for social justice, and she exercised that passion in very concrete ways. She also fueled her work by prayer, and managed her order by prayer in retirement.

As All Souls day dawns, here it is. Somewhere a boy named Chuck needs to learn about Italian Cardinals and exiled Emperors, but as for me, I place myself under the patronage of Mother Katherine. We'll see where each day leads me.

~~~~~~

Katherine Drexel, by the grace of Christ and for the love of God and your fellow human beings, you put your wealth to work for the poor and marginalized, bringing them education, healing, and the opportunity to participate in their own lives. May your example of conversion and cross-cultural solidarity be an evangelical witness for all people. We particularly ask your intercession on behalf of the rich and powerful, that they will stop committing injustices against the poor and embrace the culture of life that calls us to healing and wholeness and communion with God and solidarity with our neighbor. Amen.

Debts

...et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

I have piled up some debts lately. At the exact moment in which I was ponderously posting about discipline and prayer--showing up for life--God was preparing to remind me once again of the folly of planning.

When your father is ill, you owe him your care. When you are ill yourself, your challenge is surrender; you owe God absolute trust. When your husband takes care of you and your relatives for weeks, he is owed some attention. When your children discover you have new free time, and have life to share, you owe them your attention. When a new grandbaby is born, your joy is beyond measure, and the thanks you owe cannot be counted. I'm in debt up to my shoulders. I can only ask that the debts I fail to satisfy be forgiven.

What of the debts owed to me? The respectful attention of a parent, the love of a spouse, the respect and attention of children, the loyalty of friends, the integrity of professional colleagues--what of those? If debts are owed, I can only forgive them. I have no choice.

Is my daily prayer another debt I owe? I don't think so. Too often, in my prayer life as well as all aspects of my life, I make plans to satisfy myself. God's demands are simpler. Saint Gregory of Nyssa says in the end all He wants is our friendship--and that we remember that all good we do we do per ipsum.

Guarding the City

Unless the LORD build the house, they labor in vain who build. Unless the LORD guard the city, in vain does the guard keep watch.

It is vain for you to rise early and put off your rest at night, To eat bread earned by hard toil-- all this God gives to his beloved in sleep. Psalm 127

Father Manning says to apply to prayer the same planning and scheduling I apply to work. Ah, but what about the fact that I already suffer from the delusion that all this planning means that I'm in control. Of course I'm not, but that isn't an excuse to shrug off discipline. He's right, of course, and even if I didn't think so I would do it this week as he instructed.

When my life is out of order, the first thing that needs to be brought in line is regularity in prayer. Not soaring passion. Not flashes of divine fire (though, if you're listening God, I wouldn't object to those either). Simple regularity. The first job in life is to show up for it.

Balaam's Ass

Then the Lord removed the veil from Balaam's eyes and he too saw the angel of the Lord standing on the road with sword drawn..." Numbers 22:31

We claim to seek God's will, but then immediately begin to pick and choose which of His messages we wish to hear. Some messengers are so obvious that even an ass can see them--but we don't see what we don't want to see.

Today I was determined to do [what I decided was] the right and responsible thing even if it meant disrupting my brother's family, and my staff. In the end, however, what was wanted was for me to let go of work which didn't need me anyway, take care of my Dad, and relax. It never occurs to me that the Lord's will for me might be rest, joy, peace. I look only for work.

Today I got sunshine, a good book, a nap, and time to reflect.

Having accepted that I can quit the position that has obsorbed so much of my soul for eight years, I now want to puff up my importance by filling my remaining days with events to demonstrate how indispensible I actually am. I can't leave for two months, but I can begin now to put other things first, and, in humility, let others take control at work.