Humility

...Learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:29

Driving my Aunt to Mass on Sunday, I asked her if she wasn't frustrated that she is no longer able to drive. Her children had intervened recently due to health reasons. Since I know from experience the kind of rage and ego-busting frustration that result from loss of driving privileges in our culture, I was concerned.

She smiled calmly and said, yes, it bothered her, but that it was an excellent teacher of humility.

I tend to think of virtues as projects, as something I choose to do, set as goals, and accomplish. The great irony is that seeking to make yourself humble requires enormous spiritual pride, ever the besetting sin of the faithful. Virtues are, in fact, reactions to the opportunities God sends us. Ask to learn humility at your peril. He will show you when and where you have those opportunities very quickly. That's something my Aunt understands and I can only hope to learn.

Small Ironies

Work at your tasks in due season, and in his own time God will give you your reward.
Sirach 51:30

Today, as it turns out, is the feast of Saint Charles Borromeo, worthy man that he is. I had forgotten that he was both a civil and a canon lawyer. He is also the patron of catechists and Catholic education. He's known for "promulgation of regulations intended to foster the Church's mission." He was, in short, the quintessential Catholic churchman.

What I did remember correctly is that none of his strengths speak directly to my life and calling except one: Holiness to which we all are called.

Good Saint Charles, pray for us all.

All Saints; Particular Saints

Live justly, Love compassionately, walk humbly before God...
Micah 6:8

All Saints Day had me thinking about patron saints. It must have been something in the homily that set me off.

In Catholic school, before the cooling of the earth's crust, I always hated that discussion, which usually happened this very week each year. There is no saint "Carol." I was always informed that I got St. Charles (or "Carlo") Borromeo as a patron. While he was and is undoubtedly a worthy servant of the Lord, the life an Italian Cardinal gave me little to relate to as a small girl.

Research turns up a few other Carlos, including a 20th century Emperor in exile and the intriguing Venerable Carla Ronci, a lay woman about whom all references seem to be in Italian. When JPII is canonized, there will be a canonized Karol but, of course, he is male, and the Church will refer to him as John Paul the Great. My DH is named Gregory and there are many Saints Gregory so I asked him who he took as his patron saint. Without hesitation he said "Ambrose," using his middle name and picking a really great choice.

After some thought, it occurred to me that, name or no name, I could choose my own patron. Who would I choose? Elizabeth of Hungary was my patron at 19 and in habit. Tough lady, Elizabeth. She ran a country when her husband went off to crusade, raised three kids, outsmarted her evil brother in law to preserve the throne for her son, and, as the hagiographers remind us, ended her life as a virtuous widow in a monastery. That's what out of work queens did in those days. In recent years, I have been a great admirer of Katherine Drexel. She is another tough woman (do you detect a theme here?). She was independent, outspoken and relentless in pursuit of her goals. Writers often describe her as giving away her very large inheritance while having no possessions, living poorly and traveling third class. Those things are true. It is also true that she was the savvy daughter of a banker with connections to the finance industry, and she invested her inheritance, multiplying it greatly even as she gave it away. I can also go with Catherine of Sienna, Doctor of the Church, or Mother Teresa who held her own with popes and princes. No meek characters here.

I realized as always that I was once again telling God what I was going to do instead of asking for advice. And so I prayed. Throughout the day, I poked around looking for things about Katherine Drexel and God led me to this: while she was all those things I thought I admired, I was missing something very important. Saint Katherine had a passion for social justice, and she exercised that passion in very concrete ways. She also fueled her work by prayer, and managed her order by prayer in retirement.

As All Souls day dawns, here it is. Somewhere a boy named Chuck needs to learn about Italian Cardinals and exiled Emperors, but as for me, I place myself under the patronage of Mother Katherine. We'll see where each day leads me.

~~~~~~

Katherine Drexel, by the grace of Christ and for the love of God and your fellow human beings, you put your wealth to work for the poor and marginalized, bringing them education, healing, and the opportunity to participate in their own lives. May your example of conversion and cross-cultural solidarity be an evangelical witness for all people. We particularly ask your intercession on behalf of the rich and powerful, that they will stop committing injustices against the poor and embrace the culture of life that calls us to healing and wholeness and communion with God and solidarity with our neighbor. Amen.

Debts

...et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

I have piled up some debts lately. At the exact moment in which I was ponderously posting about discipline and prayer--showing up for life--God was preparing to remind me once again of the folly of planning.

When your father is ill, you owe him your care. When you are ill yourself, your challenge is surrender; you owe God absolute trust. When your husband takes care of you and your relatives for weeks, he is owed some attention. When your children discover you have new free time, and have life to share, you owe them your attention. When a new grandbaby is born, your joy is beyond measure, and the thanks you owe cannot be counted. I'm in debt up to my shoulders. I can only ask that the debts I fail to satisfy be forgiven.

What of the debts owed to me? The respectful attention of a parent, the love of a spouse, the respect and attention of children, the loyalty of friends, the integrity of professional colleagues--what of those? If debts are owed, I can only forgive them. I have no choice.

Is my daily prayer another debt I owe? I don't think so. Too often, in my prayer life as well as all aspects of my life, I make plans to satisfy myself. God's demands are simpler. Saint Gregory of Nyssa says in the end all He wants is our friendship--and that we remember that all good we do we do per ipsum.

Guarding the City

Unless the LORD build the house, they labor in vain who build. Unless the LORD guard the city, in vain does the guard keep watch.

It is vain for you to rise early and put off your rest at night, To eat bread earned by hard toil-- all this God gives to his beloved in sleep. Psalm 127

Father Manning says to apply to prayer the same planning and scheduling I apply to work. Ah, but what about the fact that I already suffer from the delusion that all this planning means that I'm in control. Of course I'm not, but that isn't an excuse to shrug off discipline. He's right, of course, and even if I didn't think so I would do it this week as he instructed.

When my life is out of order, the first thing that needs to be brought in line is regularity in prayer. Not soaring passion. Not flashes of divine fire (though, if you're listening God, I wouldn't object to those either). Simple regularity. The first job in life is to show up for it.

Balaam's Ass

Then the Lord removed the veil from Balaam's eyes and he too saw the angel of the Lord standing on the road with sword drawn..." Numbers 22:31

We claim to seek God's will, but then immediately begin to pick and choose which of His messages we wish to hear. Some messengers are so obvious that even an ass can see them--but we don't see what we don't want to see.

Today I was determined to do [what I decided was] the right and responsible thing even if it meant disrupting my brother's family, and my staff. In the end, however, what was wanted was for me to let go of work which didn't need me anyway, take care of my Dad, and relax. It never occurs to me that the Lord's will for me might be rest, joy, peace. I look only for work.

Today I got sunshine, a good book, a nap, and time to reflect.

Having accepted that I can quit the position that has obsorbed so much of my soul for eight years, I now want to puff up my importance by filling my remaining days with events to demonstrate how indispensible I actually am. I can't leave for two months, but I can begin now to put other things first, and, in humility, let others take control at work.

Now

"...to do that [surrender to God's will] is to live in the present. You know God in the midst of your family and his continuous providence for it; you are at peace within yourself in the fullest sense because you are content to do the work of the present moment and let God provide for the future." Gerald Vann OP

In this is the will of God for me--whatever today's "This" is.

Habemus Papam

"There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way" CS Lewis

The Church prays for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and then squabbles about the results. One man's long-wished for saint is another man's disaster.

In the eleventh century alone we survived influence peddling, anti-popes, intrigues in which the papacy was bought, sold, and left beholding to various factions. We also got reformers, two saints and a zealot who launched the crusades.

The Holy Spirit undoubtedly attends the conclave but He is not insurance that the resulting candidate will be perfect, or saintly, or easy to live with. He guides the Church no matter what. He is there to take care of the rest of us regardless of the results. If each of us would just listen, we would be better off.

Making a start

Everything has a beginning. Even in midlife we have beginnings. This is one of them; I've come to a place at which I need to explore the themes I've been given:

Silence
Submission
Breath

and the arenas in which they play out, work and family.